bound as givers

As followers of Jesus we give up ownership of this world
of stuff
of our requirements,
our measures of success.
accomplishments.
making it.
We give this all up. We are not bound to this world as "getters" but as "givers". We will lay down our lives - give all - for another.
We are not disconnected and merely waiting for heaven - No! we surrender all we have and all we are to be used as God leads us - our heart's blood intricately connected to the pain and sorrow of this world,  committed to living out the hope and joy we have in Jesus- even to following him to the cross.
So it is a burden, yet a release of a burden.
We release the pressure of success for this world, recognizing that our purpose is about something so much bigger than us. It is about God and what he is doing, not merely our own lives and personal happiness.

"We will not give up. And when we die, then we die pure and peaceful, resigned to God in our hearts." - Maximilian Kolbe
 Maximilian volunteered to die in the place of another prisoner at his concentration camp in Germany, and led the other prisoners who had been randomly selected to be shot in singing hymns and praise while they waited for their death)

I want to live like this. Ready to lay down my life, purposeful and excited to live it for the days i have.

perhaps more on this later... but thats it for now. feel free to leave comments/ questions/ thoughts

I matter

Im ready. we're going to make some money.
everybody thinks im so young. that i can't do anything. But He believes in me.
Im fast, and despite the fact that most of the big stores recognize me and kick me out when i come close, i still do pretty well shop lifting.
He doesn't have to worry. I'll follow through.
My cousin has the job set up, and she sticks to what she says. she aint on drugs or anything like that.
He reminds me to smile - gosh, of course i know that. Im no spring chicken. Yeah im 15, but i know the ropes now.
I can contribute my fair share. He doesn't have to work so hard tomorrow if we pull this off. If i can please this guy. well, hopefully just one. I hate it when im surprised by a whole group of them.
but im strong.
He says he just wants a real job again. I don't remember, but he tells me he used to work for a Taxi company in Quincy. They hate his guts now, and owe him $300.00. bummer.
Geeze he's talking so loud, and we're on the T.
This girl next to us has her buds in, but i wonder if she's hearing him joking about lifting the widescreen TV? Oh well. who cares. Play it cool. Its not like she would do anything about it anyway. What could she do?
Im sick and tired of caring what other people think.
Can't I be treated like everyone else? I just want to matter. I want to belong. I want to be seen as worth something.
But tonight i guess i am worth something. I'll be making him some money. maybe it will help out my family too.
Here's our stop. I guess we'll see what happens.

I overheard a young girl talking with an older guy on the T the other day... i don't know the story, but without a lot of imagination, this is my interpretation of what may have been going on in her head. Sad how many girls are in this same place. 
How are we going to respond?!

Who's loving..?

Hear the cry of the broken

Even when “they” are hurting the other

Perpetrators, deemed evil, they cry out against the status quo. The molds they are put in as troublemakers.. juvies.. inmates. Dropouts

What choice do they have?

Who hears them?

Who loves them?

Trapped in a world where the weak link is gunned down. Resisting the violence is cowardice.

Money is power and power is survival. It’s a game. A very real and present game.

“Im tired of bein’ poor and even worse im black. 

My stomach hurts, so im lookin’ for a purse to snatch”

Their instinct is to protect the ones they care about

They’d die

They’d kill

But who is it they care about protecting?

Who’s their family? Who cares for them?

Where are they accepted?

The drug lord listened to me

He gave me a purpose

I mattered – to someone

This gang - I was part of a family who stood up for me. Who relied on me.

Our lives were intertwined – living, dying, revenging, life is short.

Get what you can, while you can. Im in the game. I can prove my worth. But there’s more than this!

Im trapped in a web of promises, threats, deals and fears.

No backing out – but going where?

We are family but no trust

Manipulation

Lies

What do words mean? Emotions?

What is love?

Im tired!

Listen to the cry 2pac cries- 

“ohhh… tired of the strain and the pain! There’s so much pain!”

“Even as a youngster causin- ruckus on the back of the bus

I was a fool all through high school kickin’ up dust

Bust now im labeled as a trouble maker who can you blame?

Smoking weed helped me take away the pain

So im hopeless rollin’ down the freeway swerving, don’t worry

Im about to crash up on the crub cause my visions blurry

Maybe if they tried to understand me, what should I do?

 Had to feed my f***n’ family, what else could I do

but be a thug”

2Pac gives voice to our youths' heart cries.

Church are we listening?

God’s heart breaks to see his kids forced into these cages of violence and despair

Maybe if we tried to understand them?

Truly see the pain they are in

Just stop and listen

Listen past the four letter words

The drugs and tattoos that mask, the weapons that blockade

Listen through the tough skin of hopelessness

I long to see freedom from this bondage

Reconciliation with those used and exploited, to a life lived for justice, mercy, and joy in hope!

Life valued – in themselves and others

Named

Given place and belonging in community

Loved and loving

cry and sing of Hope

Hope

Race, privilege - authenticity? Belonging? Permission to grieve?
Who am I who has so much, who am I to cry?
 I cry hearing the pain of my sister
 I have not lived it
 I chose to give up what I can easily choose to take back. Rankism.
My education, my family network opens many doors others cannot access.
But I cry for that reality to change.
Can my cry be a trumpet blast in halls of complacency?

Can the cry of a middle class white girl on behalf of the sad broken state of our justice system, our schools, our neighborhoods and families, be heard and deemed lagitament?
 Does it matter of they are?
I think so, but then I wonder, by who?

My friend is being sold. Abused. Exploited!!
No, I am not.
I have never been raped or molested, but my friend, my sister, has and is and This Must Stop!
I carry so many stories in my heart and they are heavy.

I cry out with a cry of empathy
No, I will never fully understand
So I will not try to be your voice but rather sound the trumpet, shake the ground,
open the cages of systems holding you back,
usher you into the doors I can, and then You cry out Your song of lament,
of truth,
and together we proclaim the song of hope.

"injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere"

If I see the injustice done against you and say nothing, what is that?
If I weep, not on my own behalf but for what is happening to you, am I not showing you I care? That I wish there was some other reality? That I wonder why you and not me and I am sorry for my privilege?

And I do weep on my own behalf in sorrow, regret, appology for what I - my race, my religion and my country have done.
 What my government has done and fails to do, what my Church has done and fails to do.
I am part of the problem.
I am so sorry.

But I hear the rumblings of another way possible- in the cry and lament, imagining there must be something better
Do you hear it?
The low, steady heartbeats of hope reverberating in my spirit and yours, calling towards harmony!?
It rises
And I know I must not keep silence!
I invite you to join me in my weeping and my obstinate hope.
Let me not tell your story for you, label or forget you in my rush to sound the trumpet.
You and I together - we will cry and sing of hope.

cry

John Perkins was with us for a few days at the Center For Reconciliation Summer Institute at Duke Divinity. His last night, he shared at evening worship. I wrote this later that night, reflecting back to why i was overwhelmed with a deep sadness and crying as he finished and stepped off the stage. It was a powerful moment in a powerful, challenging, inspiring week.
here are my reflections:

Cry
Tears welled up in my eyes as he, choking back tears quoted "...i'll fly away!"
A life lived for Justice
sold out for all God would do in and through him
nearing the end and excited, sad, thankful, tearful
leaving us.
Passing the baton...
But can we carry this on?
A spark reignited
strengthened
My heart leaps to the call
is hungry for more
Don't go!
The brokenness is so vast
so dark
the weight is crushing and tears flow down my cheeks
I am willing to be used
I long to be used
but i feel i am pressed down
blown out
wet blankets come flying from... where?
damp
dark
heavy
why?
I know I've been called, but i feel numb

But then slow and steady, low and gravely, "I know why the caged bird sings..."
A life lived to the fullness of God's glorious, challenging, painful calling to beloved community speaks fire into my heart and awakens my soul again.
The pain crushes but i feel.
I weep.
The hope we are striving towards is real
It can hurt
and cost our lives
But this is the Hope
Surprised by reconciliation
an interruption
an inconvenience?!
Struck by beauty
by sacrifice
by inspiration and a flame restored.
I cry but i rejoice to know
Reconciliation to what end?
Dancing in hope together against injustice.
"The caged bird sings... of freedom."

Release

The invitation into the extraordinary is extended to everyone! that hit me this weekend in a new way.
So i am called, but so are others... really there is nothing special there - and everything is special.

I was on a retreat at Still Harbor this weekend, and there are many many thoughts to share, but his poem came this morning, as we were reflecting on the the weekend and what we came in as "knowing to be true"and what we are taking away.
my last on a list of things i "knew to be true"i wrote down on friday was "I am called to speak up for those who are not heard" But i was realizing saying "Be a voice for the voiceless" is very different from the call in Isaiah 42:6-7 that i connect with my calling in many ways.

So, here goes:

Release

Before, I heard a call to be a voice
   to speak
   to yell
No one is listening
   to those on the fringes, the margins.
They do have a voice but it is not heard and I pound my fists
     Hello?!!
Truth is in love of others, in life, in community
What do i know?
    Know for certain to be true
God is. Love.
Yes, and truth is, alive.
    breathing.
Seek in wonder
   open your eyes and see
       the gift that is
let go of what should be better
   as if I know
      truth
   for her?
Her voice may no be heard, but she is.
  what is her truth?
  vital = life giving, dreams and hopes
     and yes, fears?
Perhaps I heard the call and jumped to the wrong conclusion
    I am not to speak for her - Release!
"Open eyes that are blind"
          so they can see
    the gift that is
"Free captives from prison"
          so they can walk, explore, speak
    in freedom, themselves free
"and release from the dungeon
           those who sit in darkness"
    to light.
Truth is alive, and I don't know what it is
     she is trying to say
           so step out into the light
     open your eyes
           listen
Release.


Isaiah 42:6-7

Sing for the glory of the living and the loving

sometimes i wish i could blog and write in a world where no one knows me, no one knows the people i know, and i could be just an anonymous storyteller, writing about the lovely, the challenging, the hurtful and the joys. But, doesn't that defeat the purpose of community and fellowship? of communicating to people who exist, as a person who exists and is known in community? I guess, in the end, im glad to communicate my thoughts with people who i may run into, or maybe live with, or call family... and i can talk things out over a cup of coffee. Maybe no one will bring it up, but i do appreciate your comments and thoughts on the things i wrestle with here in this space of words on a page somewhere in the tangled "Small world network"of the internet.

We live in such a crazy world! I am so thankful for the beauty, and so amazed at God's mercy, and yet my heart is heavy with the sorrows of so many - so many i know, and millions more stories i don't know. There are sorrows in life, and wounds that go deep, and its not all gonna get better. at least not now, not here, not in this age. But i think im beginning to let that burden go- to lift that off my shoulders and lay in at the cross. Today summer hit Boston and all the trees started blooming, and flowers are springing up everywhere. The commons was like a beach - everyone out in their bathing suits sun tanning on towels! The city was buzzing with warm happy people. Yet there was also tragedy. A friend is missing and last she was heard from she is being exploited by her "husband" pimping her out and beating her up. I know this lady well, and it hurts to think she has been dragged back into this life. (i think she is in her 40s? maybe late 30s?) also, a friend of my dad's was killed by thugs in Nairobi - someone he was looking forward to seeing when he was there. Her two boys are now orphaned. I think i remember her, when we lived in Boston back in 93, she was a classmate of my dad's.
A star has been silenced. her singing has stopped.
at least for now, here. where we can touch and hear her.

Lord have mercy! be with her sons, and her family, and community. Bring repentance and redemption to her murderers Lord! in your mercy, hear our prayer!

"...and all of the wickedness in the world that man might work or think is no more to the mercy of God than a live coal dropped in the sea."
W. Langland c. 1400 


I love this quote, on the wall in my friend's house i was staying at in CT. 
Really, only because of this do i have hope to keep pressing on. I have been called, i know this. But the exact acting out of this calling is still in the works, and i think will continue to be a journey step by step.
Im praying about going back to the middle east, and what doors may open there. Exciting! a bit intimidating to think of picking up and moving completely - maybe i'll just go for a few months? Im not sure.

I recently read "a wind in the door" and it was so very timely with things going on in my life. Naming, loving, being! not X-ing or annihilating anyone!

This painting i did last week was partly inspired by this quote:

"sing for the glory of the living and the loving, the flaming of creation, sing with us, dance with us, be with us, Be!" M. L'Engle