She walks on the bus, loudly venting into her cell phone - striding purposefully to the back. As she brushes past me i can't help but notice her conversation - and along with everyone else on the bus, can't help overhearing every word. It seems she was talking about her kids...
"Its not like anyone really payed attention to them growing up. No one was calling to check on them. They didn't really have that, you know?" (she sounded almost annoyed)
"...But I had to yell at C the other day - all he wanted from his daddy was a present. M had to promise to get him something for him to talk. He would hardly even smile. He hardly talks. Its not like him at all. And S was my best student, but now - I don't know what's come over her - she's not doing well at all..."
She seemed angry, frustrated, annoyed.
Will yelling at your kids actually help anything? It sounds like maybe she worked and was away from home a lot of evenings/ nights- so they had to fend for themselves. Perhaps there are multiple fathers - at least one of them is in their life. But the kids have grown up with this pattern- and from the conversation are probably used to the tone of communication being high strung and always a hint of annoyance. Do they ever feel like they've succeeded? that someone believes in them? That they are loved?
As I got up and walked away from the bus I mumbled under my breath - Its a cycle ma'am. They need to know they are loved and cared for - and that you believe in them. I thought through these questions I wanted to ask her as I walked over the snow towards home - Have you told your daughter that she was your best student? Did you ever shower her with praise? Did you tell your son how much you love him? Reacting to their learned behaviors with anger will further alienate - and that is how kids end up spiraling into "at risk" situations - looking for attention, for belonging, for love in all the wrong places when they don't get it from home and family. Picking up weapons for power, drugs for forgetting, getting in trouble for people to notice them. Or, listening to the much older guy who says "you're pretty - come along with me and i'll show you a good time" - and freedom is stolen. Where dignity and self esteem is lacking, other things try to fill that void - and those looking to take advantage of the weak shower down promises - ultimately crushing away life.
I hope that mother never has to face the pain of seeing her child hurt and exploited, or turn to hurt others - i hope the cycle will be broken some how.
this is just one story of so many...
hm. and what cycles are we in? what do i do that my mother and father did (or does)? and how do we break those cycles? i suppose seeing them for what they are is the first step.
ReplyDeletethank you for blogging. i love reading it. where is the picture from?
so true! i think growing in community with others, and traveling into new contexts helps with seeing as well.
ReplyDeleteI found the picture on line, posted on someone elses blog. i hope they dont mind i borrowed it. :)
interesting musing on the role of parents in continuing what Bobbie Harro calls "The Cycle of Socialization." as a mother of 4 and grandmother of 4 and someone who teaches about social justice, i have thought long and hard about that parental role. in fact, taking on social justice parenting was precisely why i became a mom in 1972 - though it didn't know to call it that then.
ReplyDeletenow i know a lot more about the crucial role parents play - and the roles they do not play - and why. yep, that mom on the bus could make different choices, but first she has to know that there are such choices and second she has to feel that she has some power over making those choices stick. that's where educators and activists come in, yes?